In the self denial

Just who are those who always put up a smile and face the world as if they are the happiest lark on earth? And just who will know that they might be at their most horrible state, feeling all so crappy and couldn't express how awful it is to be feeling this way? 

Yes I need to stop living in self denial that I'm actually that bubbly, cheerful all so optimistic and always 'think happy thoughts' because the fact is that I'm not and I don't tell anyone about this, besides the one and only one who's always there, not anyone but an awesome pal, my diary. 

Sometimes I wish I can just say, I'm not okay and there ain't any reason. I just don't know the reason. I just wish somebody will know about this, not questioning me anything and just be there. Maybe a shoulder will be favourable. Sometimes I just need that. Yes, I'm totally no where near alright now. It feels as if the mind and heart are weighing a thousand tonnes that they are gonna rupture anytime. I wish I know how to comprehend this, really. The fact that I don't is silently killing me. I need to know why and at least that could save me from being such an annoying person ranting like anyone will actually give a damn about this.

Now you know, why I'm a gemini. You can't disagree with me because gemini has two personalities and I always feel that I have it, too. Maybe, a happy pill will do some good too.